User Manual – Kitty edition

November 16, 2018 ,

About this person

A bit of background

I am a single child from a very strict religious background. I had no models of good relationships or appropriate affection when growing up, so finding my way in these aspects of my life is incredibly difficult. Also, my background included physical, verbal and emotional abuse. Luckily, no sexual abuse. I moved out at 18 and have been financially independent ever since. I have always leaned towards long term relationships and I have been lucky to meet wonderful human beings that have helped me become the person I am today. I suffer from anxiety and depression and that is something that has gotten better, but I am aware I will never be fully rid of. Currently in a very, very good spot in my life, from a mental health point of view.

What defines me?

I am independent and passionate about what I do. I love helping others and believe that if you build it they will come. And that if you don’t like it, you have the power to change it for the better. I am calculated and rational, but idealistic and action – oriented. I am constantly filling my time with fulfilling things, so time is my most precious resource (as I believe it is the case with most people). Unfortunately for me, I also have the estimated attention span of a squirrel, but I am working on improving that part of myself.

Sexuality has been my focus for the past couple of years. Mostly because I have only discovered myself sexually at 25. I am quite kinky, have an above average sex drive and a trisexual (I’ll try anything once – haha, that also says it all about my sense of humor).

I am happily married with a wonderful human being that gets me, that has taught me patience and supports me in the things that I do. I live with my husband and we like to have fun and get weird together. I mean like really weird. If you spend some time around us, you will see what I mean.

I am in a D/s 24/7 relationship, meaning that I am Owned and collared and very happy in my role. This means that I am free to explore my sexuality only if given permission by my Owner, which I need to explicitly ask for, and I am extremely grateful for the liberty He bestows on me. We play often and that might mean that I am given tasks you might see me perform or marks on my body. I am not looking for another D/s dynamic, but you are free to ask about my relationship with my Owner, if you are curious about it.

Beyond my sexuality, I am a secular humanist. I am a scientific skeptic with a love of critical thinking, debates and questioning stuff that I thought was true until a moment ago. I like acquiring knowledge and sharing what I know with others. I love challenging discussions, but get quite excited about it and it may seem that I am arguing aggressively. I have been told constantly that I seem quite intimidating to shy people and I am trying to mellow out, but if you’ve met me probably “mellow” isn’t a word that comes to mind when thinking about me.

I am a feminist, militating for inclusion of minorities, different sexualities, sexual orientations and, generally speaking, just not being an asshole to others (a.k.a. there is enough place under the sky for everyone, now calm your pants). If you don’t find yourself constantly checking your attitude and entitlement towards others, then I doubt we will find much common ground. Bonus points for any constant self-analysis that gets you to stop thinking that you are above average, better than everyone else, definitely smarter or more (insert any adjective here). Most of us are not that special and even if we are, on the grander scale of things it’s probably irrelevant anyway.

I am an extremely well adapted introvert, thus liking cats a lot more than I like people. Usually what keeps me around people is my anxiety of being alone, that I am working hard to overcome. Treating myself to more cats should help with that.

I don’t smoke, but I do drink casually. I have severe anxiety about alcohol consumption and therefore a very low tolerance for people getting hammered around me. If you have a drinking problem, then there is definitely no compatibility. But casual drinking is totally cool.

What interests do I have?

I am a dedicated science fiction fan. I love reading about all sorts of things. From philosophy to political science, psychology and economics, I am interested in a lot of subjects. Ethics and feminism are high on my list and will probably get me going pretty quickly in a long discussion. If you ask me about sex, kink and poly, be prepared to sit in on quite the lecture. :))

I love teaching and constantly try to improve my skills and have acquired a renewed curiosity for art, thanks to a very special someone in my life. I would also love to dedicate more time to watching older movies.

I enjoy driving and visiting places, but also walking in the park and discussing or debating various topics. I am pretty sporty too, but that tends to be a solo activity for me.

I also have a lot of kinky interests, the most obvious one being shibari.

What is quality time to me? What do I consider to be fun?

I tend to appreciate one on one time more than group activities, though I am warming up to the idea. Quality time is time focused on one person and actively doing something together.

Fun for me would be climbing in the car and going somewhere. Watching an older movie or a cool documentary and talking about it afterwards. Cooking together, visiting an art gallery, taking a walk in the park, going to an amusement park and climbing in the smashing cars, petting cats, going to the pool or starting a project to make something change in the world we live in are all things I appreciate.

Also, taking pictures (think nudes in weird places), collecting seashells at the seaside and visiting museums is fun for me. No seriously, taking weird, interesting pics is a huge passion of mine and I will indulge whenever I can, so bring a camera and I will bring the props. Oh! And I looove ice-cream. And Vietnamese food (if you get to know me, it is only a matter of time before I will drag you out, at every opportunity, to eat Asian food).

What is boring or not fun to me?

If it requires that my attention be fixed on one thing for more than half an hour, then you might be a bit too optimistic about my abilities. But all jokes aside, I am willing to give anything a try, with someone who is passionate enough to get me interested. Show me your passion, get me excited and tell me what got you enthusiastic about the subject. I will probably follow you in it, pretty quickly.

How to: General ”usage rules” for this person

How do I generally like to communicate with others and how often?

I enjoy the ability to come in and out of people’s lives and not feel like much has changed in the level of intimacy.  This is the case with my closest friends, where we don’t feel the need to be in touch constantly, to be very close with each other.

What types of relationships do I tend to foster?

I tend to have one on one friendships, rather than favoring groups of people.

What types of traits to I absolutely not want in people around me?

If you are someone who discriminates, someone who tries to shove your convictions where they really don’t belong or are arrogant and dismissive, then we will probably not get along.

If you have a temper problem, difficulty regulating your anger and you lash out at others, that is a big no-no for me. Also, if you insult people, even in anger, I draw the line at that.

Being ethical is an extremely important thing to me. My ethics has at the very root the idea that everyone has ownership of themselves and their own choices. If the choices of others do not affect you directly, then you have no business interfering or judging others. I also believe in the campsite rule applied to everything (leave it better than you found it) and in consent and honesty. I don’t believe anyone is above reproach, including myself, but if you do not find these guidelines of any interest to you, then we probably don’t have that much in common. However, I know that anyone can make mistakes and I am quick to forgive and forget if I find that people acknowledge their errors.

How to: how to ”get yourself” this person

What gets me interested in other people?

It’s a cliché, but it’s true. If you can make me laugh, then we have a good start. Also, if you can hang in there in a long ass debate, play devil’s advocate or present me with a novel perspective on things, then you’ve already won half the battle for my squirrel attention. Also, pretending to find my jokes funny wins you extra points.

The other half is much harder and it comes from getting me comfortable enough to talk about personal things from an emotional perspective. If I can trust you with the feels, then I am in.

What keeps me interested?

Teach me something I didn’t know. Take me to a quirky, weird, interesting place. Show me something that you find exciting.

But I have discovered that the path from getting to know me to me being comfortable with intimacy of any kind and finding people sexually attractive is a long one. So if you are in for a long ride of getting to know each other, hop on that date train.

Fun date night ideas

Walk in the parc. Visiting a part of the city I have never been to. A museum visit. The concert of a band you love. A restaurant you really love (bonus points if I have never had that kind of food before, but no savory pancakes or stuff that is alive for me, please!). A rugby game (have never been, dying to go). A football game, in the gallery of one of the teams (seriously want that as a part of my life experience, cursing and chanting included). Take me dancing, I rarely ever go (also quite clueless about it, but will shake everything I got with conviction!).

What about that first kiss?

Ask me! Better than asking me, mention it. Something like: ”I would like to kiss you at the end of this date, but what if I ruin that red lipstick of yours” or any other creative way of expressing your intent is the right way to go! Don’t just go for it, I have no appetite for that.

Do we go over to who’s place? After how long?

Not on a first date. Probably not on the second one either. I have a difficult relationship with physical intimacy and have learnt to give myself enough space to explore that at a pace where I am comfortable. However, I love making out, kissing, hugging. So we can do a lot of that before we end up in any bedroom. If I am ready to be physically intimate with you, then where we go is irrelevant, because I will want to be with you there.

How to: Sex ”usage rules” for this person

Safety first! What about safe sex? Do you put latex on everything (or non-latex protection, if latex allergic)? Tested? How often?

For casual sex, I put latex on everything. For relationships, latex goes on penis in vagina and any other form of penetration by toys. Oral might be latex free, depending on how many other partners you have and your safe sex practices with them. I am currently fluid bonded with only one partner. I get regularly tested (about every six months) for everything that is recommended by the doctor. I do not get regularly tested for HPV. Nor do I intend to, unless a problem arises.

What is sex to me? What do I consider to be sex?

Sex comes in many shapes, forms and sizes to me. It involves toys that vibrate or not, fingers (looove fingers! no, seriously, the more, the better!) and giving oral. Sometimes I like receiving oral, but it is not something I actively seek out. If you really like muffin munching, then I might get turned on by your excitement. Sex is also kinky to me.

I have recently discovered a desire for more sensual approaches to intimacy and would like to find someone interested in exploring that with me (it includes lots of touches, long prelude, neck kisses and passionate thirsts). I have not really had a lot of this type of intimacy in my past and getting a taste for it has left me longing for more. So if you identify as being on the more sensual side of things, call me 😛

I am both into girls and boys and everything in between or outside these norms. I tend to be very touchy with both, but I am a lot more active and dominant with female identifying persons, though I have discovered that that is a “rule” I love to break with the right people. I like to be passive and submissive with male identifying persons. And when I mean passive, I mean reeeeally passive so tell me what you want me to do and guide me towards offering you pleasure. All of this while resting assured that there is probably nothing that you want sexually that is going to scare me or shock me.

How is my libido doing around this time? How much sex is required for me to be happy?

My libido is generally above average. I would ideally have sex every day. My genital area is extremely sensitive, so whatever you do down there will cause an orgasm. Therefore orgasms are not the best measure of how much of a good time I am having. My visible excitement is. Also, I do happen to get very turned on, but my body doesn’t necessarily show the signs. That does not mean I am not in the mood. It just means arousal non concordance. Look it up and thank me later.

Sexy times of the day?

I love sex in the morning (being woken up to sex is a huge turn on for me). I love sex at any other time of the day, but I prefer if sex is not postponed past 12 at night, as I get very sleepy and I sometimes feel like I can’t enjoy it as much. Also, being woken up in the middle of the night with sex is a huuuge turn on.

Sexy places for me?

I love risky sex in public, in nature, in a car, on a balcony, by very large windows. Not a huge fan of sex in the shower unless it is part of kinky play. The classic old bed is a favorite too.

Kinky? How kinky?

Kinky. I have a lot of kinks, but they are very person-dependent. Let’s have an honest conversation about it!

But I do have fantasies of multiple people involved (think gangbang, rather than swing type situations) and I loooove watching and being watched. That means that I am a perv who loves seeing her partners fuck somebody else, if I can watch, and I love having people see me get fucked. Ideally, I would be able to do this with people that I have some long term relationship with, but I am open to people I don’t have an emotional connection to. However, it is extremely important for me to feel comfortable around anybody that will be involved in sexual activity with me and that does take some time to get to know each other.

Mostly my kinks with women revolve around sensual domination. I am literally a textbook case of penis envy and I love the idea of penetrating. I love to tie girls, tease girls and explore their bodies with different sensations.

My kinks with men usually revolve around my biggest sexual fantasy, which is consensual non-consent. Therefore I enjoy quite a spectrum of sexy stuff that makes me feel helpless. Blindfolds, gags, bondage, eye contact restrictions or forced eye contact and many more. I am also a masochist, so pain is welcome. Also, dirty talking, being touched a lot and having pictures taken is amazing and super welcome! If you want to take pics of us doing sexy things, you have continuous consent to do that with my phone.

Turn ons:

Neck kisses, hands in my panties, fingering, being made to cum in public, biting, being held down and manhandled, nipple torture, face fucking, any insertions in the vagina which are not a penis. Also insertion of a penis. Moans. Loud moans.

Voyeurism, exhibitionism, lingerie, latex, leather and a lot of love for devices and sexual toys. Literally 500 other kinks.

Turn offs:

Arrogance, having to take the lead in bed, people who don’t seem to be excited about what we are doing sexually. Some types of verbal humiliation. Having to explain why I like to use condoms.

Hard limits:

No pulling on my collar and no anal. Those wonderful activities are reserved for my Owner. Anything that we have not priorly discussed verbally, openly and clearly. Trying to convince me after I said “no”.

How to: Romantic ”usage rules” for this person

What is my love language?

My main love language is Words of Affirmation. This is the description of the love language: Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important – hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. Kind, encouraging, and positive words are truly life-giving.

Very close by, my second love language is Physical Touch. This is the description of that love language: This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose love language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face – they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. Physical touch fosters a sense of security and belonging in any relationship.

How do I express my love?

By seeking people out, communicating with them and touch. If I touch you (in non-sexual ways and maybe even sexual ways), if I make time for you and if I want to hear you and hear about your life experiences, those are the ways that I am expressing my love. Also, funny gifs.

How do I communicate with romantic partners and how often?

My relationships are structured in such a way that I have one partner that I communicate with abundantly. However, it is important to keep in touch with any other long term partners. If we are in a relationship, at least touching base every day is something I expect. Just to know that you are still thinking of me.

What does a romantic relationship mean to me?

To me it means, firstly, my ability and desire to be physically and sexually intimate with someone. I am a demi-sexual, so sex and romance are linked for me. That means that the more love I feel, the more I feel attracted to the person and that my sexual attraction to someone increases the longer we are together.

Secondly, it means keeping constantly in touch with someone who shares my core values of honesty, openness, constantly trying to improve yourself, who appreciates critical thinking and challenging their own ideas.

Thirdly, it means identifying some practical activities we enjoy together, that both of us are interested in. It could be visiting galleries, travelling to places together, putting together Ikea furniture, making puzzles, a deep interest in kink or bondage or erotic photography, starting a project we are both passionate about or reading articles and commenting on them. I firmly believe that we, as people, are not as special as we would like to believe, but the things we build together are. I express connection and my desire to have you in my life by planning and starting projects to work on together.

How do I express positive/negative emotions?

I tend to be quite verbal when it comes to expressing emotions. I have been told that I use superlatives a lot and I do. I am trying to cure myself of the superlatives, but the exuberance is probably still going to be there. I am easily excitable and will jump around/ flail my arms/ use all of the emojis in order to express joy.

On the negative side, I try to temper myself a lot. It is hard to get me angry, but easy to get me sad and disappointed. I tend to shut down and stop communicating if I am upset. I will have an extremely hard time to communicate if I fear emotional retaliation.

How do I deal with the positive/negative emotions of partners?

I want to be there for the good and the bad. I prefer knowing what is happening emotionally to all of my partners than not knowing. I can remain calm in difficult situations and I can follow instructions very well, if you tell me what kind of support you need from me. I prefer my partners to tell me clearly and directly what they expect or need from me, practically and emotionally. I have a very difficult time dealing with anger. It gives me severe anxiety and it is very hard for me to manage in such situations, therefore I become avoidant and non-engaging.

How to I best receive criticism? How do I react to it?

Focusing on actions that bother you, rather than how you interpret them as a part of my character is the way to go. Tell me what you would like me to do or not do specifically and I will try my best to not repeat that. Insults, derogatory comments, screaming angrily at me or cursing are not something I tolerate or compromise on.

Also, I prefer being told about a problem directly and concisely and face to face. I am trying to eliminate digital arguing as much as humanly possible. So let’s have a discussion about whatever it is that might bother you and let’s build a bridge together.

Kind of support that helps me when I am faced with problems/ physical health problems/ emotional help problems/ distress?

Distracting me is the best thing. I am someone who goes to ruminating Olympics, so I really don’t need any more focus on the thing that is upsetting me. Tell me about your day, start a debate, take me for a walk, keep my mind busy.

If I am ranting, just listen and nod. I love to hear your opinions, especially if they present a different perspective that might help me re-evaluate my position, but I absolutely do not want solutions or to be told how to act.

How long before I consider a relationship serious?

A few months, until I figure out my own feelings and if we are on the same page.

Do I practice hierarchy? How do I feel about cohabitation?

I already have a cohabitating partner and I would not look to add, but I would like partners to live close by. I don’t do long distance relationships and if a partner lives far away that they are not easily accessible for meeting me, then probably I will not want to make them a permanent part of my life.

Hierarchy to me is making the person I am engaging with at the moment the most important person. So if we are on a date, you are the most important human to me. Having a cohabitating partner means that there are some things that we just won’t be able to share (like a house or a fridge). Also, my D/s relationship will take priority in a lot of circumstances, because it is essential to who I am as a sexual being. However, I don’t do and don’t want anything that resembles: “no matter what, person x will always take precedence”.

Do I have a personal relationship ladder or not? What does it look like?

I come from the relationship ladder society and it’s hard to shake it off. The ladder is important to me even though I know I can’t have it with all of my partners. The ladder was a way for someone who is very practical like me, to manifest commitment in a relationship. Therefore now I am searching for other ways to demonstrate that bond and dedication. Planning for little trips together is a big part of it. Putting aside special time together is another way of doing that. Also buying items that belong to us, as a couple, is important. But the most important to me are public statements of relationship. Like posting on social media our relationship status.

! Important note for the reader of the manual: From time to time, let us discuss our mutual expectations of the relationship

If you no longer want to ”use” this person

We might get there sooner or later so how do I prefer to have a break up communicated?

I am not big on dramatic, long discussions about something that will probably break my heart. A well crafted message is a better way to go, with the possibility of meeting face to face to discuss about the break up. But rather than taking me out to dinner just so that I can sit through two humiliating hours of contemplating the end, I’d rather choose a dignified cry into a pillow at home.

Also, I don’t do make ups after break ups.

Do I tend to keep in touch with former romantic/sexual partners?

I am friends with most former sexual and romantic partners. If you were important enough to be a significant part of my life while our genitals were touching, I would like to have you in my life even after the genitals have calmed down. Of course, it also takes two to tango, but I do have a clear preference for not discarding people out of my life.

Troubleshooting

If I panic, don’t tell me to calm down. Talking to me in a calm manner and asking me if you can hold me is much better.

I sometimes freak out. Calm voice and letting me get the freak out out of me is super useful.

Crying after sex happens rarely, but if it happens, it’s a great thing. It means I really, really had an amazing time. Passing out during sex is the same.

 

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