Toolbox – Freakout List

October 25, 2018 ,
I named it so, because that is pretty much what it was. It was a list of ideas to read and read again, in case of an emergency freakout. This beautiful list has pulled me out of some pretty dark times and it is very close to my heart. I share it with you in the hopes that it might lend a hand to some of you out there.

Now, you might ask, what is a freakout? If your road to non-monogamy has been just a smooth sea of compersion and memorable moments, you might not really understand the need for this list. I, for one, have had moments where I felt like this whole alternative relationship thing was too MUCH. I sometimes questioned what I was even doing with my life. Basically this was a list for those times where I really needed an alternative to punching walls / scream-crying myself to sleep / baiting my partners with some passive aggressive messages waiting for them to mind-read me.

If you have ever felt like this, I know… It is tough, but I promise there is also a light at the end of the long-ass tunnel! So, without further ado, I present to you my freakout list. I hope you find some use to it and I hope you manage to make your own. Most of the items on it are ideas that I picked up from my favourite podcasts or articles. Ideas that seemed really great when I was calm and reasonable, but that were basically obliterated the second freakout-mode installed. Feel free to add your own, take out what doesn’t work and come up with your own word-soup to help in times of trouble. I will be expanding each of these ideas into an article of its own, in time 😀

The Freakout Emergency Service
  • I am not the answer to every need that other people have. And I would not want to have that emotional burden placed on me, because then the relationship would become a chore, not a source of joy.
  • Other people have every right to pursue what makes them happy and fulfilled.
  • Other people and other things than what I can or want to provide make my persons happy. I want my persons to be happy, no matter what I am to them or where I am in their lives.
  • Nothing lasts forever. Not even relationships. No matter how good they are or how good they started out. My persons are going to be with me for as long as the relationship makes sense/makes them happy/gives them something meaningful.
  • Just because you are really happy in the relationship, does not mean that other people are happy in that relationship. If they are not happy, they should have the freedom to seek out happiness, just as I would want that freedom for myself.
  • I would rather be a part of their lives and have them feel comfortable to tell me about what makes them happy, than to be the person who ruined their moments. Or to have them be afraid to trust me with their joy or share things with me.
  • If they want to leave, I won’t keep them here. If anything, my jealousy and insecurity will push them away.
    I would rather that they choose to be with me every day, despite having many options, than to stay with me because there are no other options.
  • I am awesome. My partners are awesome. It’s only normal that other people will want them too.
  • Make myself someone that they would want to choose to spend time with. If I am in their lives, then I want to be a force for good. I can do that if I work on myself and make my life awesome regardless of others.
  • Nothing is certain. Whatever feeling of certainty I have is an illusion. Accept that. Trying to control others will not give me any actual control, it will just push people away.
  • If they are here, right now, I should enjoy this moment. There is no guarantee that any other moment like this will occur again.
  • I should not worry about things in the future. I should just enjoy this moment and I will deal with any problem when and if it arises.
  • Everyone is doing their best. Including me.
  • I don’t have to be everything to be enough.
  • I can’t control what I feel. But I have full control and the responsibility of how I act about how I feel.

 

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