The wrong type of BDSM: 50 Shaders

December 19, 2016 ,
It is a subject that has been long debated in the BDSM circles. Pretty much since the famous books became famous and started attracting a crowd to what was once a quite limited scene of kinksters. There is much criticism aimed at the book that any vanilla person has probably read about or heard about: that the book has nothing to do with actual BDSM, that the relationship between the main characters is not D/s, but abusive, that BDSM respects consent while the book discusses it in no way and that it is literary garbage.

But I support it and believe it to be a good thing.And before your brain starts smouldering, let me take a second to encourage you to breathe and keep on reading. It is not because I consider any of the criticism unfounded. Not at all! I have read the whole damn trilogy and not only did the “literary”considerations nauseate me, but also the way the relationship between the famed mister Grey and Anastasia is presented. He is indeed a creepy stalkery control freak and the only reason most of the audience ignores the massive rapey-vibe coming off the guy is because he is also filthy rich. And to quote a celebrated internationally renowned creep, they “ let you do anything” if you are rich.

But for all its downsides, the “50 Shades of Grey ” public disgrace saga has started a discussion that has helped a lot of people to open up about their desires. I would have certainly preferred for the discussion to have been started by a dozen other books which portray BDSM in a healthier and more eloquent way. Nevertheless, I am grateful the discussion began. Because when something that has been in the closet for years is not only talked about in public, but gains millions and millions of admirers, it becomes a lot easier to admit to. Sadly, the same mockery and negative attitude towards the book has also been aimed at the people who started entering the BDSM community after reading the book or seeing the movie.

Because these people, the 50 shaders, were not really into like, you know  ”real BDSM”. They were just in it for the fad. First of all, I don’t happen to agree with that assertion. Because I have met many people who told me that they desired to try BDSM long before the books, but only had the courage to explore it after it became acceptable in society to talk about kink. And secondly, let’s all assume that the people who got into BDSM are not into it and are just following a fad. That they will buy the floggers and cuffs because it’s cool and in five years time dust will have settled on them. Why is that such a horrible, condemnable thing? That people tried something out and might discover it is not for them in the long run? That they spiced up their bedroom life with a bit of kink, but it didn’t have sufficient appeal to stay in their bedroom?

Do other people’s sexual explorations take anything away from the experience of any other kinkster? Of course not. I can be flogged and punished and humiliated at length even though someone, somewhere might not be doing it consistently or is just trying it out. My experience in bondage is in no way affected by the fact that someone, on the other side of town, is fumbling with a length of jute. There is a place for everyone to try out everything. And sure, there might be some who stay and some who don’t, some with a passion for it and some driven by the wish to try the cool sexy it-thing. But no matter what brought them here and for whichever reason they came, they should all learn that any sexual exploration is ok. And maybe if we tried to treat them with respect and guide them in discovering more about BDSM, they will find a real, lasting interest for all that kink has to offer.

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